Permission to say no

As women, we tend to put more on ourselves than we should. We are the caregivers of the world and for many of us, life isn't complete if we aren't helping at least one person at all times. While giving of your time is a worthy and noble gesture, many of us give until we lose who we really are.  We take on the burdens of others...we ARE the job. We become defined by what we do for others. We make tidy little cages for ourselves that years later we struggle to free ourselves from.


Over the past six months, my awareness of my cage has become painfully apparent to me. I was stuck in the volunteer trap and I was struggling to break free. When you volunteer to help others, one unfortunate and unsavory bi-product is the expectation of continued service. People begin to believe that because you volunteer for one thing, naturally you want to volunteer for everything. An expectation is created with built in disappointment.


What I have come to realize is that my mental and emotional health is worth far more than helping every single person I encounter. This doesn't apply any apathy on my part; far from it.  When I am emotionally healthy, I am able to be a better person, friend, helper to others.


Now... intellectually, I have known this for a while. However, it has been a struggle to break free of the volunteer cycle. When I was going through the process of getting my current job, my former supervisor said that my biggest strength (wanting to help others) was my biggest weakness as well. I knew that he was right. I just didn't know how to break free from the cycle which began years ago.


That is until a few months ago....

When everything started coming at me at once and exceeding high expectations were heaped on me. Things that I had done out of the "team-spirit of it all" became expectations; minimum requirements and frankly, enough was enough.

Then I had a conversation with a friend, who just happens to be my supervisor and she did something that changed me in a profound way.  She gave me permission to say no. She pointed out to me that my time was stretched so thin that I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was carrying so much stress, unnecessarily, and enough was enough. She also reminded me of something that women tend to forget from time to time. My needs and obligations come first, plain and simple. Helping people at the risk of my health or even my job is so not worth it. With those few simple words born from her own experiences, she freed me from the guilt of disappointing others.

I remember one instance of telling her that I was afraid to speak to someone about a situation because, "what if he gets mad at me for saying no" and she looked me straight in the eye and said, "then he'll just be mad - end of story".  A simple, but powerful statement.  I found strength in that statement and I knew what needed to be done. 

Having said that, I don't want people to assume that the world will suddenly start revolving around me.  Far from it. But my feelings, emotional health, and time will become a factor in the decisions I make in the future.

So thank you, JB, for giving me permission to say no.