Time to think

"One isolating himself will seek [his own] selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth."
-Proverbs 18:1

23 days home from work has really taken a toll on me mentally. I've have time to think about things. In fact, I've had too much time. I've had time to over-think things.

For the past three weeks, everything has made me cry...Everything on tv that is. Ok, other things too. I keep thinking about some of choices I've made like going to school. It seemed like the right thing to do. But at this moment in time, it feels like a mistake. I feel like I can't do this. I'm so filled with doubt, that it disgusts me. The type A in me can't seem to come to grips with the fact that I'm not producing work on an A level; I'm not producing perfection. The thing is that I don't know why I'm letting this get to me.

I've also had some time to think about other things. In the past, I've always thought of myself as a cautious person. Sometimes when you are quick to trust people, they have a way of turning around and kicking you in the teeth. The sad things is that they don't even recognize what they're doing. They think they're doing you a favor. As if you really didn't need those teeth.

The trouble with me is that I don't always stick up for myself. One of my former supervisors told me that I must have a rug on my back because I let people walk all over me. That was about nine years ago and I think that there's still some truth to that. People have felt free to talk to me any old kind of way in the past few years and I just sit there and take it. I don't say a word.

In my middle school days, I could kirk-out with the best of them. I had a handle on the bad words :( I know you're shocked and I'm embarrassed. But back then, even though I didn't do it the right way, I didn't let people pick on me as much as I do now. So what's wrong with me now? Who took my backbone?

There are other things that I've been thinking about these past three weeks. For instance, I had a dream that I was pregnant with twins, one boy, one girl. It's odd that I had this dream now because, I feel like motherhood is going to allude me. Everyday, I feel myself moving farther and farther away from it. Yet, I had this dream. I had a boy and girl, just what I always wanted. Their names were Cecelia and Charlie and I loved them.

The last thing that has weighed heavily on me is something I can't write about...at least not in ambiguous terms. Even if I tried, at least one person would know exactly what I'm talking about. So I will keep that burdon inside.

Tomorrow is my second follow up appointment. If everything goes well, I can go back to work on Monday. I never thought I'd be happy at the prospect of going back to work. But I think that it will be good for me. Being alone for so long hasn't done me any good mentally.

I'm sure watching 24 episodes of LOST in a four day period, didn't help my mental state that much either.

4 8 15 16 23 42

The numbers are no good...

Press the button, no buttons are bad...

Bette Midler sings Peggy Lee

I got this CD a month ago and I really enjoy it. I didn't really know any Peggy Lee songs except for "Fever". I have to say that I wish the cd had more songs, but I am glad that I bought it.

deliciously down

I need some sweet to soothe my inside
I need some soft to lay down my pride
I need some tears to rain down on me
To melt my memory

I need to slide deliciously down
To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through
I need to shine like I used to and i
Know that I’m not supposed to be for nothing

I need a breeze to carry me safe
I need some peace to find my way
I need a song to hold in my palm
And feel the love that made me

I need to slide deliciously down
To where I hurt the least

I need high prayers to breathe through and i
Need to shine like I used to and i
Know that I’m not supposed to be for nothing

I need some love to open my heart
I need a space to fall apart
I need a star for every dream
Do you know what I mean

I need to slide deliciously down
To where I hurt the least


**Cree Summer**

I'm back

My deepest apologies my dears for my 14 day absence. I haven't written because I've been too busy being sore and tired and oxycodoned (if that's a word). Whoever said having a cyst removed was a good idea needs to be slapped. This has taken so much out of me. My mother was right, I shouldn't give birth...it'll kill me :(

So I realize that I owe you 14 days of my life. I don't have it in me to recount each of the 14 days. Once the Oyxcodone kicked in, things got a little fuzzy. But I do recall a few highlights.

Day 2, November 8th - Faced with two weeks of lying on my side, I did the only thing any person in my position would do; popped in the complete first season of Lost and set a goal of watching 24 episodes in five days. I missed the first 18 or so episodes of Lost this past year, so I had some catching up to do.

24 episodes
1-2 oxycodone tabs every 4 - 6 hours each day
5 days before the DVDs had to go back to the library.

I'm sure you can see the challenge.

Tuesday morning I got started and was instantly sucked into every nuance, every possible clue. After about two days, I realized that no one's hair or beards were growing significantly and none of the women had hairy legs or pits. And those numbers... they're bad, I get it. But by Saturday I was seeing those numbers everywhere... 4, 8, 15, 15, 23, 42... Talk about full blown paranoia.

Well that was week one. Oh yeah, I got new windows in my apt. Marie came by and shielded me from nosey neighbors when I had no blinds. She also brought me Starbucks because no matter how incoherent you are, there's always time for Starbucks.

Week two, Nov 13 - 19th...
Yeah, umm... hmmm... err...
That whole week was a blur. I remember people coming by and calling while I was asleep. I don't remember much about the week. I do remember escaping from my house on the hunt for Starbucks. I walked across the street to the college, to the Starbucks cafe, to get a Caramel Macchiato with soy. Now my mom works at the college too, so I bought her one too so that she wouldn't fuss at me. And it almost worked. She was blinded by the caramel-ly goodness for a short time. But later in the day she called me and told me not to try that again. That was after my sister called and fussed at me about leaving the house. I remember telling Marie, but I don't know if that was the same day. I have no idea... I wasn't kidding when I said that week two was a big blur.

I can tell you this... Thursday I got my stitches out... WOOHOOO!!! The next day, I was feeling my cheerios and drove my car. Remember the starbucks incident? Oh yeah, my mom didn't like me driving even more than walking to get a starbucks. She didn't punish me because, well, I'm too old for that. But hey, the two days of pain was punishment enough.

Oh yeah, when I went to the doctor to get the stitches out, my doctor told me that I had two more weeks before going back to work. Two more weeks in the house... Oh joy. I have lots of homework to do and if I can keep a cohesive thought for more than two minutes, my plan is to get caught up this week. We'll see how it goes.

On the couch

I've been on the couch all day. Recovery from surgery is mostly lying there doing nothing. Well, I've become very skilled at that.

I got tons of movies to watch. I'm supposed to be in the house for two weeks so I got 8 DVDs. That should carry me through the end of the week. So here's the list:

Door to Door
Casablanca
Kim Possible: So the Drama
Hitch
Sleepless in Seattle
Woman of the Year
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Lost: the complete first season
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

What's Happening

I cannot believe that I spent most of this weekend watching the What's Happening marathon on TV Land. :(
I did watch other shows, but I watched more episodes of What's Happening than I probably should've.

Busy Weekend

This weekend, I have to get things in order in preparation for my surgery on Monday. I have laundry to do, groceries to buy and homework to finish. I don't want anything to worry about once Monday gets here.

I want to get some movies for the next two weeks, to help pass the time. Now I wish I had joined Netflix or Blockbuster Online. Maybe I still can...

My so called life

Ok, so maybe I do have a small problem with coffee. Maybe I do need that little shot of caffeinated goodness to get me through the day. Perhaps it's more than the warm aroma of the caramel macchiato that keeps pulling me back to Starbucks.

Hi, my name is Julie and I'm addicted to Starbucks.


I've refrained from going to Starbucks this week in preparation from my surgery and I feel like I'm going through withdrawal. I have no energy and all I want to do is sleep.

Sleep, my place of refuge. The only place where the absence of coffee is not an issue.

I can't wait until next Tuesday.

The lady is a tramp

She gets too hungry, for dinner at eight
She loves the theater, but doesn’t come late
She’d never bother, with people she’d hate
That’s why the lady is a tramp

Doesn’t like crap games, with barons and earls
Won’t go to harlem, in ermine and pearls
Won’t dish the dirt, with the rest of those girls
That’s why the lady is a tramp

She loves the free, fresh wind in her hair
Life without care
She’s broke, but it’s o’k
She hates california, it’s cold and it’s damp
That’s why the lady is a tramp

Doesn’t like dice games, with sharpies and frauds
Won’t go to harlem, in lincolns or fords
Won’t dish the dirt, with the rest of those broads
That’s why the lady is a tramp


I think the lady got a bum rap!!!