Time to think

"One isolating himself will seek [his own] selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth."
-Proverbs 18:1

23 days home from work has really taken a toll on me mentally. I've have time to think about things. In fact, I've had too much time. I've had time to over-think things.

For the past three weeks, everything has made me cry...Everything on tv that is. Ok, other things too. I keep thinking about some of choices I've made like going to school. It seemed like the right thing to do. But at this moment in time, it feels like a mistake. I feel like I can't do this. I'm so filled with doubt, that it disgusts me. The type A in me can't seem to come to grips with the fact that I'm not producing work on an A level; I'm not producing perfection. The thing is that I don't know why I'm letting this get to me.

I've also had some time to think about other things. In the past, I've always thought of myself as a cautious person. Sometimes when you are quick to trust people, they have a way of turning around and kicking you in the teeth. The sad things is that they don't even recognize what they're doing. They think they're doing you a favor. As if you really didn't need those teeth.

The trouble with me is that I don't always stick up for myself. One of my former supervisors told me that I must have a rug on my back because I let people walk all over me. That was about nine years ago and I think that there's still some truth to that. People have felt free to talk to me any old kind of way in the past few years and I just sit there and take it. I don't say a word.

In my middle school days, I could kirk-out with the best of them. I had a handle on the bad words :( I know you're shocked and I'm embarrassed. But back then, even though I didn't do it the right way, I didn't let people pick on me as much as I do now. So what's wrong with me now? Who took my backbone?

There are other things that I've been thinking about these past three weeks. For instance, I had a dream that I was pregnant with twins, one boy, one girl. It's odd that I had this dream now because, I feel like motherhood is going to allude me. Everyday, I feel myself moving farther and farther away from it. Yet, I had this dream. I had a boy and girl, just what I always wanted. Their names were Cecelia and Charlie and I loved them.

The last thing that has weighed heavily on me is something I can't write about...at least not in ambiguous terms. Even if I tried, at least one person would know exactly what I'm talking about. So I will keep that burdon inside.

Tomorrow is my second follow up appointment. If everything goes well, I can go back to work on Monday. I never thought I'd be happy at the prospect of going back to work. But I think that it will be good for me. Being alone for so long hasn't done me any good mentally.

I'm sure watching 24 episodes of LOST in a four day period, didn't help my mental state that much either.

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