Autumn in Columbia

Today I finally had my strength back. I still managed too oversleep because that's what I've been doing for the past week. But I didn't feel exhausted when I woke up. Also for the first time in about a week I had coffee. Big mistake. My stomach wasn't really ready for that. I had soup and a turkey burger for lunch and soup for dinner.

This has been an interesting week. I rarely get the stomach virus and it really forced me to slow down. There is so much that I have on my plate and so much on the side and it's hard to keep up and deal with everything in productive way. I don't think I have it down yet. But maybe one day.

Strange Dreams

• Last night I dreamt that the phone rang and it literally woke me up.
• The night before I dreamt that Janelle and I were putting together furniture made out of Lincoln logs. Every time we finished a particular piece and set it up, it fell apart.
• I fell asleep thinking about how I would make my students change their seats next week and started dreaming about seating assignments.
• Next year is the Horowitz Center's fifth anniversary and I dreamt about us having a Gala.... and it was AWESOME!
• I'm not 100% sure about this one, but I think I keep having dreams about Grey's Anatomy... seriously.

Real Housewives of DC

Ok, I admit it... I watched the Real Housewives of DC the other day.

The Great White Way (the origin)

Here's a bit of theatre trivia for you:

Have you ever wondered why Broadway is called the Great White Way?  I wondered and this is what I found on Wikipedia:

"Great White Way is a nickname for a section of Broadway in the Midtown section of the New York City borough of Manhattan, specifically the portion that encompasses the Theatre District, between 42nd and 53rd Streets, and encompassing Times Square.[citation needed]

Nearly a mile of Broadway was illuminated in 1880 by Brush arc lamps, making it among the first electrically-lighted streets in the United States.[citation needed]

The headline "Found on the Great White Way" appeared in the February 3, 1902, edition of the New York Evening Telegram.[citation needed] The journalistic sobriquet was inspired by the millions of lights on theater marquees and billboard advertisements that illuminate the area, especially around Times Square.[citation needed]

from the Wikipedia article "Broadway (New York City) found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_White_Way#Great_White_Way
 

Twitter

You know, I've been giving this Twitter thing some thought.  I've never really understood the appeal of Twitter. I mean, you only get 140 characters to say what you need to say.  I guess that's enough for somethings. But as someone who is used to blogging, I need a lot more characters. 

But I have to admit, the popularity of Twitter is intriguing to me.  I was watching E! today and someone was saying that Twitter is directly responsible for some of the marketing decisions that some celebrities make; in this case, it was Justin Beiber.

So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe tweeting isn't pointless. I don't think I'm going to begin tweeting because clearly, I can't get my thoughts out in 140 characters or fewer. But I may start following other people.

Dr. Grey to the ER - STAT!

As of July 20th, I have watched 73 episodes of Grey's Anatomy since July 5th.  Seriously...73 episodes....73 hours of Grey's Anatomy. My friend Lisa is looking into rehab facilities for me, I'm sure. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I just started watching Grey's Anatomy this past season, mostly out of boredom.  I was home one Thursday night, which is unusual because I'm usually at the kingdom hall on Thursday nights. Since I'm never home on Thursday night, I had no idea what normally comes on TV. As I flipped the channels, I came across Grey's and I decided to give it a chance.

My first two episodes were episodes 6.01 and 6.02,  "Good Mourning" and "Goodbye". They aired on September 24, 2010 and were from all accounts two of the saddest episodes in Grey's Anatomy history. At least that was what I was told by longtime Grey's fans after I watched the episodes.  "Good Mourning" marks the last episode with Dr. George O'Malley who is hit by a bus trying to save a woman's life.  The entire episode revolves around everyone at Seattle Grace trying to save the John Doe hero who pushed a woman out of the way of a bus.  At the end of the episode when an unrecognizable O'Malley writes 007 in Meredith's hand, everyone realizes that John Doe is George. 

"Goodbye" opens with George dying and everyone dealing with the loss in their own ways and you see exactly what George meant to each person in the hospital. It was heart-wrenching and intriguing at the same time. I was hooked. I watched the remainder of the season and was completely sucked in...

Recently, I went on vacation with a couple of friends and we were sitting in the hotel on a Thursday night and I asked them to turn the TV to ABC on the off chance that Grey's Anatomy was on.  The aforementioned Lisa declared me officially addicted. Grey's was not on and what was worse, Lifetime moved the reruns to a time during the workday.  What was I going to do?

You know, I never go to Suncoast Video. I tend to buy DVDS at Blockbuster and Target. But one day, I wandered into Suncoast and the sales person told me that they were having a one-day sale on used DVDS; buy two, get one free. I instantly looked for Star Trek Voyager because I have been wanted to get that set for a long time. But they didn't have any used copies. My second choice was Grey's Anatomy and they had a used copy of each season. I bought seasons 1 - 5 on the spot.

So began the 15 day stint... I've watched 73 episodes, which puts me at episode 4.13. I still have half of season 4 and all of season 5 to watch.  I've seen season 6, but the DVD will be released on September 14, 2010.

As you can imagine, watching 73 hours of Grey's Anatomy has affected me. I find myself using the word "seriously" a lot more now in conversation. In tough situations, I can't helping thinking WWBD, "what would Bailey do?".  It's crazy... but I love this show... I SERIOUSLY love this show.

Camouflage

Songwriters: Jerkins, Rodney; Kelly, Claude;

I'm a work in progress, I'm a seed grown into a flower
I'm a storm that's rising and getting stronger with every hour
And God knows I ain't perfect, tell me who in the world is?
All I know is that I'm searching for somebody to love me with

These flaws I've got, they're all part of who I am
Take me or not, but I finally understand
I'm so done trying to be everything you want
And I have to stop 'cause baby, you ain't worth it
If I gotta camouflage, for love, for love
No, I won't camouflage, for love, for love, I won't camouflage

I need a lot of improvement, not even half way to destiny
But I'm a train that's moving and everyday I'm picking up speed
And God knows you ain't perfect
So who are you to put pressure on me?
That's why I'm still searching for somebody to love me with

These flaws I've got, they're all apart of who I am
Take me or not, but I finally understand
I'm so done trying to be everything you want
'Cause I have to stop, 'cause baby, you ain't worth it
If I gotta camouflage, for love, for love
No, I won't camouflage, for love, for love, I won't camouflage

I've learned from my mistakes
The only way you're gonna be happy
Is if someone's down to take
Here when it's good and it's bad you see
I tried giving half of me, in the end I came up empty
And that's why I'm searching, yeah
For somebody to love me with these flaws

These flaws I've got, they're all part of who I am
Take me or not, but I finally understand
And I'm so done trying to be everything you want
'Cause I have to stop, 'cause baby, you ain't worth it
If I gotta camouflage

These flaws I've got, they're a part of who I am
Take me or not, but I finally understand
And I'm so done trying to be everything you want
When I have to stop, 'cause baby, you ain't worth it
I've gotta camouflage

For love, for love, no, I won't camouflage
For love, for love, I won't camouflage
If I gotta camouflage, 'cause baby, you ain't worth it
If I gotta camouflage
Baby, you ain't worth it, if I gotta camouflage


© STUDIO BEAST MUSIC; WARNER-TAMERLANE PUBLISHING CORP;

Listen to an excerpt

Permission to say no

As women, we tend to put more on ourselves than we should. We are the caregivers of the world and for many of us, life isn't complete if we aren't helping at least one person at all times. While giving of your time is a worthy and noble gesture, many of us give until we lose who we really are.  We take on the burdens of others...we ARE the job. We become defined by what we do for others. We make tidy little cages for ourselves that years later we struggle to free ourselves from.


Over the past six months, my awareness of my cage has become painfully apparent to me. I was stuck in the volunteer trap and I was struggling to break free. When you volunteer to help others, one unfortunate and unsavory bi-product is the expectation of continued service. People begin to believe that because you volunteer for one thing, naturally you want to volunteer for everything. An expectation is created with built in disappointment.


What I have come to realize is that my mental and emotional health is worth far more than helping every single person I encounter. This doesn't apply any apathy on my part; far from it.  When I am emotionally healthy, I am able to be a better person, friend, helper to others.


Now... intellectually, I have known this for a while. However, it has been a struggle to break free of the volunteer cycle. When I was going through the process of getting my current job, my former supervisor said that my biggest strength (wanting to help others) was my biggest weakness as well. I knew that he was right. I just didn't know how to break free from the cycle which began years ago.


That is until a few months ago....

When everything started coming at me at once and exceeding high expectations were heaped on me. Things that I had done out of the "team-spirit of it all" became expectations; minimum requirements and frankly, enough was enough.

Then I had a conversation with a friend, who just happens to be my supervisor and she did something that changed me in a profound way.  She gave me permission to say no. She pointed out to me that my time was stretched so thin that I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was carrying so much stress, unnecessarily, and enough was enough. She also reminded me of something that women tend to forget from time to time. My needs and obligations come first, plain and simple. Helping people at the risk of my health or even my job is so not worth it. With those few simple words born from her own experiences, she freed me from the guilt of disappointing others.

I remember one instance of telling her that I was afraid to speak to someone about a situation because, "what if he gets mad at me for saying no" and she looked me straight in the eye and said, "then he'll just be mad - end of story".  A simple, but powerful statement.  I found strength in that statement and I knew what needed to be done. 

Having said that, I don't want people to assume that the world will suddenly start revolving around me.  Far from it. But my feelings, emotional health, and time will become a factor in the decisions I make in the future.

So thank you, JB, for giving me permission to say no.

Brandy - Long Distance

I'm like a calculus problem you just can't solve

A few weeks ago, a co-worker said something to me that I found quite rude. She said, "when you keep your hair long, you really don't do anything with it." What I found rude was the tone with which she said it. This person knows of me, but she doesn't know the real me. She assumes that since she can afford to make regular trips to the salon, so can everyone else. She thinks a lot of herself and very little of other people. And honestly it's a waste to give her any of my energy.

But it got me to thinking... How many of my "friends" really know me. There are less than a handful that really know the innermost me.

• The me who really can't deal with crowds of more than 4 people at a time.
• The me who can't stand the smell of ketchup.
• The me who had more unpleasant days in middle school than her mind will allow her to remember.
• The me who as an adult is still uncomfortable in the dark.
• The me who has felt sadness so deeply that it was manifested in physical pain.
• The me who takes delight in her childlike qualities.
• The me who doesn't wear makeup because she never learned how to put it on.
• The me who wishes she had finished the adapted screenplay she started in 1989.
• The me who considers very few people real friends and all other acquaintances.
• The me who literally dreams up solutions to work problems.
• The me who has had an exciting, yet tumultuous 4 months.
• The me who still dreams about Petey and his final days navigating in the snow.
• The me who is working on being happy even though at times it's really hard.

Most people don't know the real me...and I'm OK with that.

Theresa Jane Jones - My Grandmother

My Grandmother - Theresa Jane Jones

A collage of pictures of my Grandmother

Moving day

It's moving day, y'all... Today, I move into my new condo. I'm excited for this new start, but I will miss a few of my neighbors.

Tribute to Petey Pablo Jones

On February 4, 2010, my dog Petey passed away. He had heart disease and pulmonary disease. He experienced a series of fainting spells, he lost the use of his legs, and could not eat the last two days of his life. On February 3rd, I made the decision to call the vet to discuss having him put down because he was in so much pain. The next morning, I found him. He was gone...his little body laying lifeless.

Petey Pablo Jones entered my life very quietly. When Sandy, his foster mom, brought him to my house, he was very quiet. He checked out the apt and me and in an almost regal way, he gave the ok to consent to live with me. The first day I had him, he destroyed my kitchen because I wouldn't take him to the store with me. But things got better after that.

Petey was the best dog, he didn't bark alot, he didn't go to the bathroom in the house and he was very playful. Petey wasn't the kind of dog that barked when someone came to the door. In fact the maintenance man told me that Petey was very good when he came to fix something. I remember thinking that Petey should've at least barked at him. But then again, Petey was very welcoming of most people. He did have a sense for people who were bad. One day, my brother Scott was walking to my house and some guys were outside and they started messing with him. Petey saw this from the window and got really upset. He was barking ferociously, in a way that I had never seen before. He was very protective.

When I decided to get a dog, it wasn't my intention to get a bichon. I wanted a pug. But then I saw this dog and she was so cute... the rescue organization said that she, Bella, needed a lot of attention and a large backyard. But they had another dog, Petey and he was very friendly. So Sandy brought Petey to my home to see if we liked each other. He checked me out and seemed to like the place. So he stayed.

Petey wasn't one to play fetch or play that much with toys. He was too sophisticated for that. He also wasn't one to run and jump on you when you came through the door. But when he wanted to play or give hugs and kisses, he made sure you knew it. Even when he wasn't feeling good, he still tried to be near me. I'm really grateful for that.

I can't begin to express how much I love Petey. I got him because I wanted a friend to keep me company. But I got so much more with him.

• He gave me love unconditionally.
• He taught me forgiveness. 
• He taught me responsibility.

When he got sick, I felt powerless to help him. I wish I could've done more for him. But in the end I know that it was his time to go.

I will always love Petey.
I will miss Petey.

I will carry his memory in my heart. 

Always.

To speak or not to speak.

There are so many things I want to say. But so many times that I feel like I have to censor what I really feel for the sake of keeping the peace; for the sake of being polite. But sometimes, I feel like what I feel might be what someone needs to hear. After all, sometimes a wake up call is exactly what people need to get them back on track.

The hard part is that as a woman, if I'm blunt and speak my mind, then I'm not perceived as not being a nice person. So I keep my real thoughts to myself, which makes me seem passive.

I want to find the middle ground...

Reflections (No Resolutions)

I applaud anyone who makes the decision to make a change and can actually stick to it. That's what New Year's resolutions are all about. I, on the other hand, can't bear to set myself up for failure...not at the beginning of the year. So I don't make New Year's resolutions. However, I do think self reflection and self correction is always in order and appropriate throughout the year.


For the next minutes, indulge me as I do some outward reflecting.


I'm not a political person, but no one can deny the history-making moment on January 20, 2009 when Barack Obama was sworn in as the first African-American president. Many people were happy and many were not. Some think that he can solve all our problems and some believe that he's a socialist bent on having the government take over every facet of our lives...NO COMMENT.


Sarah Palin - After losing the election in November, Sarah Palin decided to step down as governor of Alaska. She told Oprah that she had reached a point in her office where she could not effectively accomplish the things she wanted to do for her state. You know, the republican party used Sarah Palin to get votes. But I think they didn't realize that Sarah Palin is not the kind of person who will go away quietly. She wrote a book after the McCain camp threw her under the bus after losing the election. In her book, Palin basically threw them under the bus and rode it back and forth... back and forth. Don't get me wrong, I still question her ability to answer a simple question. But I do think that it's good that she's speaking up for herself.


Michael Jackson - I don't think anyone saw this coming. The day that Michael Jackon died was probably the saddest day of the year. You always hear that phrase, "the day the music died" and I have to say that on June 25th, it felt like that phrase actually came true. The crazy thing about Michael Jackson's death is that it seemed to cause as much division among the country as the presidential election. There's never any good that comes out of a person's death. But if there is a lesson to be learned, it is this: Prescription drug abuse is out of control in our country. What's worse, there are doctors who enable and even assist in supporting addictions. It is a serious epidemic in this country.


Closer to home, I experienced many new things this year. I completed my first year in a new and exciting position. I overcame the feeling of helplessness that weighed me down for the entire first year. I found my niche and made progress.


In May, I graduated from UMUC and felt a huge sense of accomplishment. This opened at least one door for me at work that I am waiting to walk through. I'll write about that in the 2011 blog.


On the social front, I made some new friends. Some from work, some from school and some from my congregation. It's opened up my circle of friends. I don't make friends easily, so I was surprised by the relationships that were formed this past year. But on the flip side, I realized that some relationships seem to have waned. I don't know what to do about them.


Here's my final thought: reflection needs to happen all year long. Self correction can and should occur on an as-needed basis. I welcome that inner reflection and actually find it very useful. Don't wait until January 1st.