Musiq and Lyrics...

I'd hate to walk away from you as if this never existed
Cause when we kissed the moment after I looked at you different
Lately I gotta watch what I say
Cause you take things personal nowadays
You used to laugh now you get mad
 I just want my friend back

And my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (oh can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (holding on)
Said my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on

oh oh oh oh oh yeah
What happened to the one I used to know (oh yeah yeah)
The one I used to laugh and joke with
The one I used to tell all my secrets
We used to chill and be down for whatever whenever together yeah

- Halfcrazy by Musiq Soulchild

Getting things off my chest

It's been a while since I've written something of substance in my blog. I've been a bit busy going to school, working, improving my ministry. I've had so much on my mind, so much I've wanted to say. But I haven't been able put my feelings into words. I'm finding writing in ambiguous terms is harder than it used to be. Since my blog is imported into Facebook, I'm more cautious about what I say, so as not to offend. So my alternative is not writing often or at all.

I have been going over in my head all the the things I've been through in the last six months. My last semester of college was by far the most difficult. I had the most difficult class of my college career and no where to turn for help. See when you take classes online, your options are severely limited in terms of getting help. Towards the end, I wasn't sure if I'd even pass the class. But I decided to take my final and walk at commencement regardless. I've waited 18 years to graduate from college and after all these years, I deserved to walk. I found out that I aced my last to projects and final exam and passed my class.

In terms of work, well, things have been challenging. My first three months on the job was hard - really hard. I seriously wondered if I had made the right decision about leaving IT. I had to learn a whole new job. It was a hard transition, but I made it through. These last six months, though, have been a whole different kind of challenging. Developing new procedures and preparing for the new projects put a strain on me. There were nights when my mind when couldn't wind down from work after work. My saving grace was homework and studying for my Christian meetings.

In addition, I found that the people in my inner circle began to change. Some relationships that were previously strong have waned while some people who were previously acquaintances have become close friends. I still don't know how I'm supposed to feel about that. I feel joy for the new friends I've made. I have new people in my life that I can talk to about my bad days and they offer me really practical advice that works. But I also feel anger about the relationships that have changed. I'll get through it...don't worry.

I'm looking forward to the summer. It is starting off well. I'm getting a head start on many of my projects, which will be a great help when the Horowitz Center fall season starts.

****** Later that day******

I started this blog on June 25, 2009, before I heard that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died... I feel sad for both of their families. Part of me feels like the things that am feeling aren't important because I still have my mother and father. There are three kids who have lost their father and a young man that has lost his mother. The worst part is that none of them can grieve privately.

Is on day two...

ExerciseTV Trainer Videos

Summer Reading List

I am currently reading...

	The New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures.
	Keep Yourselves in God's Love
	When the Emperor was Divine

Bath Time Pictures

Everybody has had an embarrassing bath time picture taken of them.... Petey is no exception.

Free time for coffee

Now that I have a little free time, I am going to blog more. Hopefully, I'll have more time to construct my thoughts into a form that is worth reading.

Today, I bought a coffee table. I've been thinking about getting one for a while now. I have a small apartment and I never really thought that I would need a coffee table. But lately, it's been a pain not having something to put my drink on or something to put a magazine on. So I headed off to my friendly neighborhood Walmart and bought this:

The book and cup of coffee were not included...

The post-graduation blog

So this is it... my post-graduation blog. I graduated on May 16th from UMUC and it was a great moment in my life. Being at the ceremony with 1000 other graduates and listening to their stories made me feel something that I hadn't felt in my four years at UMUC. I felt a sense of community. We didn't share memories of homecoming games, or dorm adventures. But all of us, mostly adult learners, shared a common story of perseverance, patience, and dedication. It seemed as though all of us had to balance school, work, and family life, not to mention the unforeseen occurrences that befall us all.

That Saturday, my family had a special dinner. It was awesome because we had flank steak and two kinds of potatoes and salads. I was really happy. One of my friends asked me a couple of days later if I cried when i got my diploma. I didn't. I was in shock. I almost didn't believe that I had done it. But by Tuesday, I had a couple of good cries. I cried about my parents not being able to make it because of circumstances completely out of their control. I cried because I wasn't able to invite people that I wanted to invite because we didn't find receive our tickets until the last minute. And I cried because I worked 13 days in a row and was totally exhausted.

So here's the thing... I graduated 12 days ago and although I should be happy about it, I have been feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Yesterday, I was at work and felt like I was going to lose my marbles. I have had a number of projects and requests and I guess that since I haven't had homework to redirect my focus, my mind has been drifting to work issues in the evenings, leaving me feeling completely exhausted. I have even dreamt about work issues. So yesterday, while at work my mind began to race. It was disturbing and unnerving. I talked to my coworker about all the emotions I was feelings, but that still didn't make me feel better.

A little bit later... oh man... I sent a very short, to the point email to my supervisor... "Can you talk?" It was the beginning of a conversation that effectively got me down off the ledge. I was feeling a loss of control and profound sadness, the kind of sadness that makes you have one of two thoughts; run and don't stop running or curl up in a corner and rock back and forth. I didn't have either option, so I choose to talk it through and it was really helpful.

First of all, post-graduation depression is a real thing. I was feeling depressed and a sense of loss. The space that use to be filled with homework wasn't being filled. So my mind was refocusing that energy on work, so much so that I was constantly thinking about work, even dreaming about it. Not good...

But I will say this, though talking it though, J gave me some practically suggestions to help combat my stress. I gave some of the suggestions a try today and even though I didn't get everything done today, I have a concrete idea of what I did get done.

So what's the point? Sometimes even a great moment in your life, a moment that should bring happiness, even those moments can bring stress and even a period of grieving. The key is to come up with a constructive way to deal with it.

Christopher Plummer

I think I love Captain VonTrapp - He's so dreamy!

Goals and Temptations

I have been wanting to put into words the things I've been feeling for the past few weeks. I've had such a wide range of emotions, that I found myself confused and unsure of myself and really, really unfocused. The crazy thing is that I have had to be extremely focused in the past three weeks. I've had three weeks of paradoxical emotions.

As the co-chair of the diversity committee, I had to be on hand to help prepare for Diversity Week. My role, primarily was to see to the contracts and rosters. I wanted to have to have it done early because I knew that Diversity Week fell on the same week as the opening of Rep Stage's show, God's Ear. As the supervisor of the house managers, I had to prepare all the contracts and co-ordinate all the schedules. It was a lot to think do. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the week. 

I survived the weeks leading up to spring break which was good because I had big plans for spring break. I planned to spend my spring break working in the ministry. I usually only get to go out in the ministry on Saturdays, but I made plans to go out everyday. So far everything is going well. 

However...

I notice that whenever I make plans to devote more time to spiritual things, it never fails - the devil swoops in to throw an obstacle to keep me from reaching my goals. I have already faced a challenge that almost caused me to take a false step. Temptation was set before me, but because I put the matter in God's hands, I was able to resist. I often think about the scripture at Romans 7:21-23 that says, "I find, then, this law in my case: that when I wish to do what is right, what is bad is present with me. 22 I really delight in the law of God according to the man I am within, 23 but I behold in my members another law warring against the law of my mind and leading me captive to sin’s law that is in my members.”

When I think of this scripture, I know that the struggles I face to are to be expected. When I want to do better spiritually, challenges will arise. The devil doesn't want me to get closer to Jehovah God. So he custom builds challenges that are meant to deter me from that goal. Sometimes the challenge comes and I don't fare so well and sometimes, the challenges come and I breeze right through. This time around, I didn't breeze right through, but I didn't give in. So I'm proud of that.

So I keep praying that I resist all the temptations that come my way.  

25 iPod Guilty Pleasures

This is my list of iPod guilty pleasures. These are songs that I only listen to when no one is around. After you read mine, make your own list so we can all have a good laugh.

This is in no particular order:

1. Cher - Strong Enough
2. Bee Gees - Staylin' Alive
3. Chicago - You're the Inspiration
4. Wham - Everything She Wants
5. Leann Rimes - Big Deal
6. Joey McIntyre - Stay the Same
7. Kanye West - Heartless
8. Kanye West - Love Lockdown
9. Debbie Gibson - Losin' Myself
10. Barbra Steisand - Tell Him
11. Blind Melon - No Rain
12. Eddie Murphy - I Meant You No Harm
13. Bette Midler - He's a Tramp
14. Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting
15. Guns and Roses - Sweet Child of Mine
16. Tatyana Ali - He Loves Me
17. Katey Sagal - September Rain
18. TLC - No Scrubs
19. Weird Al Yankovic - White and Nerdy
20. NSYNC - Gone
21. Wayne Newton - Danke Schoen
22. Lauryn Hill & Tanya Blout - His Eyes are on the Sparrow
23. Hugh Grant - Pop Goes My Heart
24. Whitesnake - Is this Love
25. Van Halen - Right Now
    

Stay in the Fight

I wrote this blog in August 2007...but I think it bears repeating...

I heard some thing inspirational the other day. Fran Drescher was talking about a technique she used to get thought her cancer treatments. She kept two rubber bands on her wrist. Any time she started having negative thoughts like "I can't do this" or "This is too hard", she would snap one of the rubber bands. It was like a quick snap back to reality and a deterrent to allowing the negative thoughts that she would inevitably have from taking over and consuming her.

I got to thinking that her technique could be applied in just about any situation. We all face challenges in our lives and negative thoughts are more than abundant inside our heads and hearts. We have goals that we want to reach, but there is something holding us back. Taking that step is scary. But you know what, not taking that step can be even worse.

Are you stuck in a job you hate? Why not quit and do the thing that really fulfills your real passion? Do you want to lose weight? Who doesn't ? I know I do. Taking that step, making the step to take my life back was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make. I was stuck in a vicious of negative thoughts and bad habits.

There are always reasons why you can't do something. But the truth is that it's not that you can't, it's that you won't. Everything is hard when your attitude is led by the negative thoughts in your head. It's time to break out of the cycle of negativity and surround yourself with positive thoughts, from within yourself and from the people closest to you.

So go grab two rubber bands and stay in the fight!

It happened again

Ok... Last night I saw "He's Just Not Into You" and it was basically good. It would've been better if it had fewer "S" words. Jennifer Aniston's character, Beth, was dating Ben Affleck for seven year and she was frustrated that he didn't want to get married. This story line was juxtaposed to three other stories of women who also had man troubles. It was definitely a chick flick.

Now, you're probably wondering what "it happened again" means? Jennifer Aniston showed up in my dream again. This time, my brother, Scott, my sister, Tiffany and I saw Jennifer in Broadway show. The stage kind of buckled and Jennifer lost her place in the script. Since Tiffany was stage managing, Tiffany told her the next line and everyone had a good laugh. Then it started to rain in the theatre. People started to panic and Jennifer was trying to make sure that people weren't getting hurt. Scott had an ipod and she told him to put it in his pocket before something happened to it and then we left the theatre. I was sure Jennifer was right behind us. But as we made our way through the backstage corridors, I realized that she was gone.

When we got outside, I realized that I had Jennifer's glasses and this man came up behind me and stole them. Eventually, we caught up with Jennifer and asked her where she went. Then I woke up.

Strange Dreams

I stayed home from work today because I wasn't feeling well. I took some Tylenol Cold which immediately put me to sleep. So, of course, I had a crazy dream.

I was on a reality TV show like the Amazing Race and my partner was Jennifer Aniston. We had a bunch of challenges, including finding great fitting jeans. We went from place to place around the country doing different challenges. It was really fun and it seemed like we would win.

Then I woke up.

Jung Typology Test

Your Type is INFJ

Strength of the preferences %
Introverted - 78
Intuitive - 38
Feeling - 12
Judging - 100

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:

• very expressed introvert
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
• slightly expressed feeling personality
• very expressed judging personality

My spring schedule

WRTG 388: Advanced Grammar and Style (3)
02/14/09 - 05/15/09 WEB
An examination of the basic units of grammatical description, the nature of grammatical categories and structures and the reasons for creating and using them, and the application of grammatical concepts to written style.

MUSC 436: Jazz: Then and Now (3)
01/28/09 - 05/06/09 W 07:00 PM - 10:00 PM
An examination of jazz in America during the past 75 years--its major styles and influential artists. Students may receive credit for only one of the following courses: HUMN 436 or MUSC 436.

"Sober"

***I love this song so much - Say what you want, but Kelly Clarkson is awesome!***

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

100 Truths

001. Real name → Julie Marie Jones
002. Nickname(s)→ Jules, JJ
003. Status → Single
004. Zodiac sign → I don't believe in that
005. Male or female → Female.

006. Elementary → Howard Park, Calvin E Rodwell, Hilton, Dicky Hill and Deer Park
007. Middle School → Deer Park Jr High and Woodlawn Middle - I would love to completely forget those years
008. High School → Milford Mill Sr High - It was awesome...so I'm told!
010. Hair color → Brown, Black.
011. Long or short → Short.
012. Loud or Quiet → Quiet.
013. Sweats or Jeans → Jeans
014. Phone or Camera → Phone
015. Health freak → In theory, not in action
016. Drink or Smoke? → Drink, but not much.
017. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes.
018. Eat or Drink → Can't I do both?
019. Piercings → Only in my ears
020. Tattoos → No

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → five or six years old.
024. First best friend → Keia Smith
025. First award → yeah, right... like I remember that
026. First crush → Some little boy in the 7th grade
027. First pet → A Cat, I think her name was Bianca
028. First big vacation → Cuarnavaca, Mexico
030. First big birthday → I remember my 9th or 10th birthday because I got an Atari

CURRENTLY:
049. Eating → I just ate the most awesome chocolate chip cookies... .thanks Gina!
050. Drinking → Water....nature's soda
052. I'm about to → wash my hair.
053. Listening to → Linkin Park
054. Plans for today → Wash my hair, go the kingdom hall.
055. Waiting for → LOST to come back on

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids? → Not today, maybe tomorrow
059. Want to get married? → Yes.
060. Careers in mind → Theatre Management or Technical Theatre or maybe both.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
068. Lips or eyes → Eyes
069. where did this question go?
070. Shorter or taller → Taller
072. Romantic or spontaneous → Romantic
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → what an odd question
074. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive
075. Hook-up or relationship → relationship.
077. Trouble maker or hesitant → neither

HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts → constantly
081. Ran away from home → Not successfully
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense → No
083. Killed somebody → No, only threatened...long story
084. Broken someone's heart → Yes
085. Been arrested → No
087. Cried when someone died → yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. Yourself → mostly
090. Miracles → Yes
091. Love at first sight → No
092. Heaven → Yes
093. Santa Claus → really? No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus
095. Kiss on the first date → No.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → mostly
099. Do you believe in God → Yes
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people → so bossy

Trick Knee

I found out from the doctor today that the reason why I've been having knee pain is that I have calcium deposits in the lower quadrant of my knee. Now I have to go see an orthopedist to follow up. Hopefully, nothing evasive has to be done.
I'll keep you posted.

Melinda's Blog

I read my friend Melinda's blog tonight and realized just how insightful she is about current events. As I typed that last sentence, I realized how horrible it sounds. It was only recently that we became friends, although we've worked at the same college for a while. We bonded over Facebook and our mutual love of our dogs.

But reading her blog tonight gave me great insight into her thinking. She wrote about the election, Rolling Stone's "greatest (fill in the blank) of all time" lists, the insanity and insensitivity of the common man, and a college catalog that seems to haunt her days and nights.

The election
The excitement surrounding the election has been more than I could stand at times, mostly because I am politically neutral. I can appreciate that this election was historic and in many people's minds, as a country, the United States has made a giant step forward in terms of race relations. However, one of the things that Barack Obama had going for him was that he wasn't George Bush. There were a lot of people who wanted "Anyone But Bush"... That campaign strategy didn't work for John Kerry in 2004. But this time around, people knew that GW was leaving and they just didn't want another version of GW in the white house.

But Melinda makes a good point in her blog. There are people who aren't happy that Obama won. They think the economy is going to get worse. They think that the world is going to end shortly after January 20th. What is worse, they think that Obama's plan to help the middle class will be nothing but a handout to help undeserving people. Wait! Isn't GW doing that now? He's just calling it a bailout for the greedy banks that gave out bad loans to people who couldn't afford them.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate GW. I don't know the man. I think he made bad decisions as president. But what president hasn't? Even FDR who started the WPA and other programs to help stimulate jobs during the Great Depression was criticized for helping out the lower class. And in a way, I get it. Those programs were never meant to last indefinitely. But there are remnants of those programs in existence today.

But I guess what really gets me are the people who think that government programs to help people get back on their feet are wrong and support laziness...that is until the critics need help themselves. I have been seeing reports of middle class folks who are losing their homes and having to go to food pantries to get help to feed their families. When I see these stories, I wonder how these folks felt about government programs before they needed them. Here's another question - Is it wrong to help low income families, but ok to help middle income families? Some people would have you believe that it is.

One thing is for certain, at least in my mind. The scene of American politics is definitely changing. Some people will think that since we have an African-American president, then we, as a country, must not have the race relation issues that we've faced in the past. There are people who will continue to think that a "colored muslim" shouldn't run the country. They won't want to admit that they don't even know who Obama is and what he stands for. They will only see a black man. I've even heard bad jokes about what will be served at the inauguration (fried chicken and other assorted foods associated with African-Americans). It just shows that no matter far we have come, we aren't where we need to be.