I have a question. If my pilot light keeps going out and the rental office isn't going to look at it for two days, should I stay in my apt and take the chance that I might be gassed to death?
I am confused and unsure...
and a little sleepy...
Today was a better day at work. I actually feel like accomplished something I've been working on. I hate feeling unproductive. I want to be able to have things under control and be able to handle my help desk calls in a timely fashion. Dealing with files that work here, but not there was probably the most frustrating thing I've dealt with in a long time. I do not want to relive that again.
I did have something neat happen today, though. I put on a pair of pants that I couldn't fix six months ago. It was a great feeling and it made me feel encouraged that I'm making progress with my exercise schedule. I'm still not going to get on a scale for a while because if I don't see a number that I like, I'll be disappointed. I mean, I know I making progress, but numbers can be so discouraging.
I have also found that exercising gives me the time I need to unwind. It clears my mind and helps me forget my problems, even if it's only for one hour a day. I really enjoy this time. For sure, I know that I'll have classes on Tues/Thurs/Fri during the summer. I need to figure out what I'm going to do on Mondays and Wednesdays.
I'll figure something out.
There are days when I have so much to do, that my head just swirls. Of course, it could be swirling because I have tremendous pain in my jaw.
Today I sat in a meeting with my jaw flaming, my face burning red. I imagined that my face was swelling and turning red and that everyone could see it. Thankfully, the meeting wasn't an hour wasted out of my life. It was informative and despite the information given to us, I still feel hopeful about the future.
I don't want to talk about it...my face hurts.
Even though I didn't need it per se, I got validation today and it was wonderful!
As I walked to work today (yes dears, I walked) I got the happiest feeling inside. I was listening to a song on my DJ called "My Honey's Lovin' Arms" and I just felt so great inside. It was like one of those great old MGM musicals where the lead character walks down the street and there is perfectly choreographed dancing going on behind her as she walks and sings. I was on cloud nine. I wanted to be in a musical so badly at that moment.
I don't want this feeling to go away.
Thought for Today: "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
— Dr. Thomas F. Jones Jr., American college official (1916-1981).
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
- Amy Lee from Evanescence (Hello)
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Don't let the tiny whisper of doubt drown out the choir that is your internal cheering squad.
-Me.
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched...but are felt in the heart.
-Helen Keller (1880-1968)
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
- Snowball (Animal Farm - George Orwell)
Now all I have to teach you is one word - everything.
-Annie Sullivan to Helen Keller from the Miracle Worker
So, never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Sufficient for each day is its own badness.
-Matthew 6:34
If I had a couch, I think I would've laid on it all day today. I wasn't in the mood for anything at all today.
I need sleep...
Exhausted
I went to a leadership conference today and took a personality assessment. It was based on the Myers-Briggs assessment which is based on the theories of Carl Jung. Jung said that we are all born with certain personality preferences that influence the way we deal with people and situations.
There are:
extroverts/introverts
Sensors/Intuitors
Feelers/Thinkers
Judgers/Perceivers
So, each one of us identifies with one of each preference. There are 16 combinations. This how I scored:
Introvert, Intuitor, Feeler, Judger
Here is the summary of my personality preference:
Succeed by perseverance, originality, and desire to do whatever is needed or wanted. Put their best efforts into their work. Quietly forceful, conscientious, concerned for others. Respected for their firm principles. Likely to be honored and followed for their clear convictions as to how best to serve the common good.
So what do you think? Does that describe me? Were you surprised or did it confirm your impression of me?
No more of this "You Can Get There From Here" business.
The new motto is:
"You Gotta Go To Class..How else are you gonna learn?"
So I was challenged to read Don Quixote...all 1050 pages... in the original spanish no less. No, my friend doesn't hate me. She really thinks that reading it in the original spanish will be a cool thing. And she's probably right.
However...
There is no way I can read a book that long in spanish. There isn't enough room in the margins for all the notes I'd have to take. By the time I translate, all the subtle nuances would be gone. So why not read someone else's translation?
So I'm going to get started on the book.
from: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7545053/?GT1=6428
Seattle man caught fire during surgery
Police launch investigation into 2003 incident
Updated: 1:44 p.m. ET April 18, 2005
SEATTLE - Seattle police have launched an investigation to determine how a patient undergoing emergency heart surgery caught on fire at a local hospital in 2003.
The male patient, who was not identified, went up in flames after alcohol poured on his skin was ignited by a surgical instrument.
The patient died after the surgery but that was due to heart failure and not the fire, said Dr. Robert Caplan, medical quality director of Virginia Mason.
Caplan said fires are known to occur in operating rooms although they were extremely rare.
The two-year-old incident became publicly known after an anonymous letter sent to the media mentioned it as a sign of unsafe health care at the hospital, and said the patient burned to death.
Caplan strongly disputed its contents. "That letter is factually incorrect," he said.
*Copied without permission from
It was 80 degrees today, 85 inside my apt. I stayed home because I felt nauseated. I should've gotten some much needed sleep, but I insisted on working.
Tomorrow I will go to work, ready and focused on getting these last projects finished. I have so much to do before June 30th. The pressure is like an anvil on my chest. It's weight is so heavy that I can't move it. Part of me wants to get it all over with, but part of me doesn't even care anymore. Work has become a day-in day-out mindless drone; answering the same questions over and over again.
"How do you log into this? How do you update that?"
I know that I'm just in a rut right now. Something new and more exciting is bound to come soon.
I know it...
I believe it...
I have to believe it...
Words can cut deep into a person's soul, piercing the down to the kidneys.
I was careless with my sword today and injured an innocent person.
This song always gets me inspired.
The River
Written by: Garth Brooks, Victoria Shaw
You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores.. and
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide.. yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
And there's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all.. yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry
So everything is blooming and brand new. The trees are bursting with color and the smells are so vivid it makes you want to... want to...
Hey choo!!!!!!
Oh, excuse me. It must be my allergies ;)
Besides the fact that it's late at night, I have lots to be tired about. I just finished writing my self-evaluation. It can be such a degrading or uplifting experience, depending on how your year went. I accomplished a lot, more than I have in any other year here at HCC. But the way things work around here, you can kill yourself and you'll get the same score as someone who just comes in to collect their paycheck every 15th and 30th of the month.
I used to get frustrated with people who didn't work as hard as I did. After all, why should they rate the same as I do? I think that they figured out a long time ago, what I just figured out today. Kill yourself doing your job or don't kill yourself... you're still going to get a 3.
A 3 (on a scale of 4) can feel like a slap in the face because most dedicated people strive for a 4 every year, as futile as it may seem. It's like the borg collective, you can't escape it, you will be assimilated. Once transformed, you'll see that a 3 is not so bad... a 3 means you get a raise.
We are the borg... persistance and over-dedication is futile...
So why bother going that extra mile? If all you're going to get is a 3, then why even have a 4 as a goal? I guess in all of our hearts, we shoot for the 4 because we feel like we deserve a 4. If for once just to hear our supervisor say, "you did such a good job this year that you're going to get a 4".
For me, year end evaluations have always been tied to my self-esteem. It's like, I've waited with intense anticipation to hear someone else tell me how valuable I am. How sad is that? I know that I do a good job and whether or not I get a 4, really doesn't validate or invalidate who I am.
So I guess it's time to stop worrying and finish writing my self-eval. As far as I'm concerned, I've already given myself a 4 as a person and that's all that really matters.
After talking to a friend today about a situation she's facing, these words rang in my head. I don't envy her position... having to deal with someone like the one in this song. She's in a no win situation.
everybody's fool
- by Evanescence
perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled
look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie
i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
© 2003 Wind-Up Records
I'm here if you need a hug.
J.
What are "living daylights" and how can they be beaten out of you?
Listening to:
-The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
Ok, there's only one day left of freedom. On Monday we have to go back to work and start up on the daily grid. I really don't want to go because decorating my apt is so much more fun.
I've been working on a project for the past week and I finally feel like it's finally coming together. I hope that it will help me in the long run...I think it will.
It's important to have a portfolio of your work. It shows people what kind of work you do. I've done a lot this year and I'm pretty proud of my work. My goal is to do web projects as a side business. I've already been asked to submit resumes and portfolios to a couple of different people.
In the past, I doubted my abilities as a web designer. But recently, I've taken real pride in my work. Not the kind of pride where you get a swelled head. But the kind of pride where you won't settle for less than the best for your client. This year, I think I produced work that was very good. I hope I can continue that pattern.
