It's only a number

Besides the fact that it's late at night, I have lots to be tired about. I just finished writing my self-evaluation. It can be such a degrading or uplifting experience, depending on how your year went. I accomplished a lot, more than I have in any other year here at HCC. But the way things work around here, you can kill yourself and you'll get the same score as someone who just comes in to collect their paycheck every 15th and 30th of the month.

I used to get frustrated with people who didn't work as hard as I did. After all, why should they rate the same as I do? I think that they figured out a long time ago, what I just figured out today. Kill yourself doing your job or don't kill yourself... you're still going to get a 3.

A 3 (on a scale of 4) can feel like a slap in the face because most dedicated people strive for a 4 every year, as futile as it may seem. It's like the borg collective, you can't escape it, you will be assimilated. Once transformed, you'll see that a 3 is not so bad... a 3 means you get a raise.

We are the borg... persistance and over-dedication is futile...

So why bother going that extra mile? If all you're going to get is a 3, then why even have a 4 as a goal? I guess in all of our hearts, we shoot for the 4 because we feel like we deserve a 4. If for once just to hear our supervisor say, "you did such a good job this year that you're going to get a 4".

For me, year end evaluations have always been tied to my self-esteem. It's like, I've waited with intense anticipation to hear someone else tell me how valuable I am. How sad is that? I know that I do a good job and whether or not I get a 4, really doesn't validate or invalidate who I am.
So I guess it's time to stop worrying and finish writing my self-eval. As far as I'm concerned, I've already given myself a 4 as a person and that's all that really matters.