Overwhelmed

I need to say something in all seriousness. I cannot keep up the pace the I've been going for the past few weeks. It's wearing me out mentally and physically. i'm not sleeping well and I'm constantly anxious. Today I had to do something that I didn't really want to do; give up being a coach for a student. In some ways, I feel like I'm the one that needs a coach.

Every week, I try to be encouraging to my student, telling her about all her resources and that if she just holds on, she'll make it through. For some reason, I can't accept my own advice about my own situation. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when so many things stand in the way. It feels like having a black canvass bag over my head and everyone telling me that I can maneuver my way across a busy intersection. I can't fathom doing it; much less doing it well.

The problem started when I realized that my goal of graduating in May 2008 was unattainable. I'm missing one prerequisite class that will make it so I have to put off graduation until the summer. I want this to be over so badly, that I can taste it. So having that road block completely threw me for a loop.

I was talking to someone the other day about helping students develop alternatives and I realized that I don't always have a plan B. I had my mind focused on attaining a certain goal and now that the goal is out of reach, I'm at a loss.

I have done one thing to let myself be able to handle this better. I have begun giving up some responsibilities at work that were taking away a part of me. It's one thing to be on a committee and find a way to passively exist on the committee. It's a whole other thing to chair the committee or at the very least have an active role that cannot be ignored. I find myself in that situation as we speak. I don't know how to let go. I had to do it today for one committee and it just about broke my heart because I love being a part of it. On the other hand, I have my mental and spiritual health to consider.

So, I'm going to keep plowing through. But if you see me crying in the rain, please come over and give me a hug.